It’s been on too long and it doesn’t fit. Now, the first detail you may not wish to know and the second you may not find in the slightest bit interesting, but what you’re getting here, like it or not, is but a wee glimpse into the Stuff Around The House folder in the third drawer down of my internal filing cabinet. (I should clarify that by “internal” I mean “in my head” as opposed to “not kept in the garden” and by “filing cabinet” I really mean…no, I’ll assume that my meaning is clear and simply add a new mental note to the Stuff For The Blog folder – kept, naturally enough, in the very top drawer – to explore the idea in a future episode.)
My Stuff Around The House folder (which I shall from now on refer to as simply SATH or “the folder”) houses an array of notes, to-do lists and apparently fascinating yet ultimately pointless observations on matters domestic, household, horticultural and automotive. One of my current observations, for example, is the dead spider suspended by its web from the inside handle of the rear porch door. It is fascinating because it conjures up questions about the spider lifecycle and why and how it became deceased while going about its spinny business. It is, on the other hand, pointless because (a) I have no intention of further researching the matter and (b) I’m quite unlikely to clean the corpse and its thread away, or at least not until April.
Having set the context, then, if not the scene, we return to that which has been on too long and doesn’t fit. I refer, of course, to the fitted sheet currently on my bed. While it tries its best it is nonetheless approximately 3% too small and has to be stretched forcibly over each corner of the mattress when first applied and every morning thereafter. Rippage will follow any day soon, I am sure. That alone would qualify it as having been on too long, but there is a supplementary reason, namely that it has exceeded the Standard Weekly Bed Changing Interval (as laid down in my 1984 memorandum, still mentally paper-clipped to the inside cover of SATH). Doubly compelled, then, I shall no doubt remove the offending article within the next day – or three…
And so, having given you an insight into the domestic alleyways, jittys and cul-de-sacs of my mind, let me conclude by asking the obvious question – the one that surely struck you several paragraphs ago.
Is the third drawer down really the best place to keep my SATH?